Thursday, January 29, 2009
The J-Walk Blog posted some funny "We were so poor..." jokes, Here's a bit of a taste...
- People saw us kicking a can down the street and asked what we were doing...we said "Moving"
- We hung the toilet paper out to dry.
- We couldn't pay attention.
- We made a hole in the kitchen wall, behind the cooker, and we used to dip our bread in next door's gravy!
- We leave my door unlocked. A burglar might come in and lose some of his change.
- My grandma went to the local government office and said: "I hear y'all declared a war on poverty. Did we win?"
- The dog got nervous every year at Thanksgiving.
- We had to borrow a few beans, to make the gas for a fire.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must become involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever the hell you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.
Here's one video they have posted - there's more information and another video if you wish to visit the site.
Oymyakon/Ojmjakon/Oimyakon (map) is the coldest permanently inhabited place on earth. Located in Siberia, the lowest recorded temperature here is -71.2 degrees Celsius (96 below in Fahrenheit). According to Wikipedia this is the lowest officially recorded temperature in the northern hemisphere.
The village has a population of around 800 and is located 690 meters above sea level and lies in a valley between two mountain ranges (the reason for the low temperatures). The name Oymyakon means "non-freezing water" because of the natural hot spring close to the village.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . . .. . ..
And Dog was happy. . . . ..
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other....
Well, this is kind of fun for a few minutes. Are you looking for a little diversion? Want to burn a little time between jobs at work? Waiting for the wife to get dressed before you go out? If you've got Flash installed and working on your computer, create a snowflake and rotate it in 2-d or 3-d.
Click here or click on the image to get started.
Now here's a strange chair - it sort of looks like it was designed after one of those baby buggy's with the hoods that you can pull up. Except that this chair is for adults - to keep you focused - or out of sight - or safe from colleagues with water balloons.
You can read more and maybe find out how to get one over at Boing Boing.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds and before looking at the answer.
If your answer is:
Lion = What? You're a clown.
Chimpanzee = I see where you're going with this, but you're a few bricks short of a complete wall.
Giraffe = Long neck? I think you've been hitting a few "long necks."
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
If you got this right, congratulations - you can at least comprehend at a fifth grade reading level.
For those of you who got this wrong, obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.
Is this guy wealthy, or just such a fanatic that his family outdid themselves for his birthday? Nonetheless, it makes for a cute story.
From The New York Times...
For an avid runner, perhaps a synthetic running shirt would be a welcome gift. Maybe a heart-rate monitor, or an iPod.
But for a truly one-of-a-kind gift, nothing could beat what Michael Chambers received for his 40th birthday on Thursday: a world-class runner from Kenya for a day.
“What a birthday present,” a stunned Chambers said as Richard Kiplagat, 27, entered his SoHo apartment, ready to run.
“When it comes to running, I’m always ready to do it,” said Kiplagat, wearing New Balance clothes and shoes and an effervescent smile that seemingly comes without a dim switch. He admitted to being surprised when his manager called last week, saying an odd request had been made through the New York Road Runners: someone wanted to hire a Kenyan runner. Kiplagat, a former 10-time All-American distance runner at Iona who is now one of the top road racers in the world, splits time between the United States and his home in Marakwet, Kenya. He did not hesitate to say yes.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Most of my boo-boos are private - just me and maybe one or two other people know about each of them - so it's not too bad usually. Some folks don't stop there - they make HUGE spectacles of their mistakes and I suppose that's even worse. I did think this one was funny, except that I feel bad for the dodo that did it.
From The Independent (click the link to read more)...
There were red faces on the editorial board of one of Germany's top scientific institutions, the Max Planck Institute, after it ran the text of a handbill for a Macau strip club on the front page of its latest journal. Editors had hoped to find an elegant Chinese poem to grace the cover of a special issue, focusing on China, of the MaxPlanckForschung journal, but instead of poetry they ran a text effectively proclaiming "Hot Housewives in action!" on the front of the third-quarter edition. Their "enchanting and coquettish performance" was highly recommended.via within the cranium
Monday, January 19, 2009
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health -- my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your throat?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
A few of my friends who used to work in law enforcement told me that usually crime is down significantly on the major holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe not so much on Saint Patrick's Day and July 4th, but on the two biggies, people tend to stay at home and out of trouble.
Not always though. I've run across a web site that spells out five really nasty Thanksgiving Days in American history.
Here's a clip...
And here's a link to the site where you can read the rest of the good stuff...
Priscilla Ford had a long history of psychiatric problems and bizarre behavior, marked by such quixotic acts as suing the Mormon Church and attempting to speak at the 1972 Republican Convention. The capper came on the Thanksgiving afternoon when she got even with the City of Reno. In front of the downtown casinos, she steered her black 1974 Lincoln onto a crowded sidewalk and mowed down the crowds of holiday gamblers and gambolers. She left six dead and 23 injured in her wake. Pulled over a few blocks later, she told police, "Sometimes I am called Jesus Christ." She later expressed a fervent hope that she'd nailed 75 people, and explained the voice of Joan (Mrs. Edward) Kennedy had told her to do it. Nonetheless, she was found legally sane and duly convicted of murder.
It's easy to pick up one that rather insults the person to whom you are sending the card. And I've run across a site that produces some of those "wrong cards" - and you can even send the electronically to your "friends." Here's a couple of samples.
And here's the link to the site with the cards.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
You may want to open this up for full-screen viewing. It's grainier, but easier to make out.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Do pretty women get better jobs? Have more, or better, boyfriends? Date wealthier men?
Do handsome men get promotions easier? Have prettier girlfriends? Date wealthier girls?
The Onion has an article about this. If you're interested, click here to visit the site to read the whole thing.
I realize you may have had some concerns before as to whether I should be given my way, but please, let me set your mind at ease about all that: I'm attractive. Matter resolved. And furthermore, as you can all clearly see, I'm very pretty and have appealing features, so everything is going to be all right.
But this is from Best of Craigslist and it's pretty funny. Click here for the link so that you can read the whole ad.
I am a female in my mid 60's and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money.
I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home.
This drunk didn't fall off his bar stool, he fell asleep across it.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Do you enjoy music? TV? Musical games? Here you go - one player or two - see if you can name these popular TV Theme songs. In a game of ten questions I only got 205 as a score. I'm sure you can beat that.
Name That Theme Song Game.
- World's first digital camera
- World's first motel
- World's first novel
- World's first album cover
- World's first web server
via Random Good Stuff
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died, and his body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.
But Monica noted that Charlie had always preferred blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the viewing and burial."
The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice."
"Well surely it cost you plenty of staff time to undress both bodies and switch their clothes!" the woman said.
"Well, no," the mortician said with a discreet cough. "We just switched the heads."
Here's a link to an espresso machine done in Flash format. Insert the coin, get your coffee and a surprise. Come to think of it, this is really silly. I've no idea why I'm wasting the time posting it here except for the fact that I smiled a little bit the first time I saw it. Visit the site - or not.
Click here or on the image for espresso.